1 Minute Movie!!

I love Hindi movies – but I think that the 80’s was the worst phase of Indian Cinema aka Bollywood, when movies were made which were mostly family dramas and had really crappy people in the name of actors like Mithun Chakaraborthy, Raj Kiran, Raj Babbar etc

After watching an endless amount of such movies mostly on Doordarshan I think this is a list of the salient points that most of the movies consisted. Most of the movies would contain at least 1 to all of these stereotypes. Read this for those who don’t have the time to see them all.

1. The elderly woman with the saree pallu draped around her head and a big red bindi denotes a chaste pati vrata naari , indulgent mother and wonderful cook who whips up 75 course meals with her smile and pallu intact and without a drop of perspiration. She has witnessed first hand the battle of Mahabharatha and the unfolding of the Ramayan. Preferred background score when she is around: The sweet sound of Bansuri or Flute! Visualise Nirupa Roy – she was the quintessential mom of Bollywood.

2. A frail old man in a kurta pyjama is almost always the father who works hard at the villain’s factory for a pittance. He is a sincere and dedicated worker who sticks to his job even though he has not been paid for the past 72 years! He suffers from a chronic cough that may be used to kill him off if the script demands. Preferred background scores for Pitaji: A mournful violin recital. Visualise A.K Hangal or Shriram Lagoo – they fit the role perfectly.

3. If their daughter is shown plain and with a cherubic character, then she is sure to get raped by the villain so that her brother, the hero has enough ammo to go after the villain. She will commit suicide after she vomits.

4. If the sister is shown wearing short mini skirts and revealing clothes then she is a bad bad girl and will surely fall under the charm of the villain’s sidey and get pregnant. Hearing this father will suffer a heart attack and die leaving the family destitute. The sister will turn a new leaf overnight and wear simple cotton sarees and begins going to the temple morning, evening and night. She will eventually marry the father of her child after the last scene when the Hero beats him up black and blue and is about to crush his head with a rock the size of Mt Abu. She will intervene just before the Hero crushes his head by imploring the Hero to spare the father of her unborn son or crush her too with the ten tonner of a rock. The father of the unborn child is immediately due to a chemical reaction, transformed into a good man who will promptly agree to marry her without a DNA test of the baby.

5. Then there is the hero of the movie, with perfectly black, oiled hair and big sideburns. Wears extremely tight pants and a shirt with the top two buttons open. He is a model son, a model student, a model brother, a model boyfriend – you get the drift. There will definitely be a rakhi scene with a bhai-behen ka pyar song. Visualise Raj Babbar, Mithun Chakraborthy etc

6. A woman in a saree with her eyebrows shaped in a sharp arc is the vixen of the piece. Her make up is harsh so that you don’t mistake her to be the loving mother. And to drive home the point that she is the villainess of the piece, the preferred background scores for her will wear out the cymbals and drums of the background orchestra. Visualise Bindu or Aruna Irani

7. The gal who arrives into the camera frame in slow motion, tossing her hair to some electric music is the Heroine. The Hero instantly falls in love with her. She instantly dislikes him. Then they sing a song picturized around ten International Gardens spanning seven countries. She falls in love with him after the song is over. Then they introduce themselves. Visualise Leena Chandravarkar or Anita Raj (if you know who she is J)

8. The man with the really bad sun glasses and cheap Cigar is the villain! He will sit on a papier-mâché throne in front of a bar with foreign scotch whiskey bottles filled with what looks like weak tea surrounded by a bevy of beauties called Mona, Monica, Ruby and Julie, not necessarily in that order. Visualise Ajit, Pran, Prem Chopra etc

9. The Villain will almost always kidnap the Heroine and keep her captive in a dilapidated fort or some ruined building with time bombs ticking. The fort has huge walls with "Raja loves Rani" and "Jesus saves!" kinda scribbling all over.

10. The hero comes to the rescue of the heroine and beats up the bad guys like no tomorrow. All the desi ghee and makhan ka khana that the mom fed him all these years helps him flex his muscles and fight away everybody.

11. The mother of all battles happen in the last scene when the dilapidated fort is made further bereft of huge rocks that the Hero takes to throw at the Villain and his hired men.

12. The Police arrive at the fag end of the movie without an FIR being filed. This is a miracle of sorts in India and happens only in Hindi movies. They will immediately spot and arrest the baddies from the milling crowd of people beating each other to pulp. Visualise Iftikhar in a jeep with 10 other police people in their Khakhi uniforms.

13. Hero and heroine are immediately beamed up to a marriage pandal where they smile coyly, bedecked, at the camera and the legend “THE END” with flowers in the background.

And the audiences feel genuinely happy it is over!

- Moi